The Pain of Losing Your Soul Cat: Changing Emotions, Lasting Love
Last Wednesday was Cumin’s transition anniversary. July 13, 2016 was the day she got her wings. I remember the day so vividly and what sticks out in my mind was having to go to work that day.
Guilt
I still feel pangs of guilt and regret around that because I should’ve just been home, with her, soaking up and memorizing our last physical moments together.
I remember getting ready, driving to the office and leading a meeting.
Everyone knew what was going on with Cumin, her squamous cell carcinoma, the feedings every 3 hours and subcutaneous fluids twice a day.
But no one knew today was the day and when I was asked, “How’s Cumin doing?” I felt the jabbing pains in my gut and the struggle between keeping the brave face, “She’s hanging in there!” and “I’m saying goodbye to her today.” I even had deep grooves in my inner lower lip from biting to keep the tears at bay.
Today was the day and it was the second time I had rescheduled the in-home transition assistance.
I should’ve been home with her.
Feelings Never Leave, They Just Change
It’s been 6 years and still all the feelings can well up.
I will say most days I feel her lightness and joy as her photos and artwork of her from friends are all over my office.
I also feel when she’s talking to me. I know when the messages are from her.
But the feelings!
All. The. Feelings.
To feel or not to feel, right?!
Always better to feel. I know that but I don’t always do it.
Trauma and Somatic Practices
Through all the work healing my childhood trauma, I have learned through various somatic practices that when you stop and actually allow yourself to feel the emotion, to identify where it lives in your body, give it a color/shape/texture then breathe through it and stay with it….it dissipates and goes away.
The emotion goes away.
I have to admit that sometimes I don’t want it to go away.
The pain makes me know I’m alive, the pain is the evidence of how deep the love was/is, the pain promises I will always remember.
So I wrestle with this at times.
The Love Never Leaves You
But what I’m so grateful for, after all these years, is being struck by how much love I still feel for her, for us together, for our 19+ years.
Stephanie Rogers (Grief Counselor and Animal Companion Loss Support Specialist) says the love doesn’t go away.
It really doesn’t and in so many ways it’s more accessible because you can feel it everywhere: swirling around you, in a thought that pops in your head during the day, when the wind blows and kisses your cheek, in the warmth that fills your heart.
Love is Beyond Emotion
Love, unlike emotions, will never go away. And that’s because love is beyond emotion.
Karla McLaren, author of The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings are Trying to Tell You, writes beautifully about love:
“Real love is a prayer and a deathless promise: an unwavering dedication to the soul of your loved one. Emotions and desires can come and go as they please, and circumstances can change in startling ways, but real love never wavers. Real love endures all emotions – and it survives trauma, betrayal, divorce, and even death.
The truth about love is this: Love is everywhere. Love is constant; it’s not an emotion.”
You Don’t Always Need To Be Brave
So put away your brave face.
Feel the heat rise from your heart all the way up to your face.
Let the warmth of your tears fill your eyes, let them overflow and spill down your cheeks.
It’s okay.
It really is because Love lives on….and You Are Loved.
* Cumin is the inspiration for Love and Above Cat Club; read more about that here.
* I formulated the HEART-HEAL flower essence and aromatherapy blends to support healing from loss, grief, and heartbreak; you can see HEART-HEAL here.
💌Love Note: We'd be honored if you would share the names of your Angel Animals in the comments. It will help others who read it know they're not alone.
We had to say goodbye to our Oliver Twist (only 9 1/2) just a couple days ago. It’s one of the hardest things we’ve been through as a family. Our Oliver represented hope during a dark time and all of us (even our kids) saved up for almost 2 years for him. He was a Ragdoll, so so beautiful, and our kids will never forget driving to pick him up and bringing him home. He brought so much life and joy into our home. He was truly a soul pet. He was diagnosed with heart failure right before Christmas 2023. It was such a shock to us. We were able to keep him as healthy as we could with an amazing home vet for the past nearly 16 months. He suddenly worsened a couple months ago and we knew this would be his year but we didn’t expect it so fast. We chose to give him a really beautiful last day instead of waiting even a few weeks so we could avoid a traumatic passing. Our big beautiful boy passed in my mom’s arms in the backyard with the sun shining down on him (he LOVED to sit in our laps outside) and birds chirping above. It still doesn’t feel real. We keep expecting to see him come around the corner to greet us when we come home. All the “firsts” are hitting so hard. So many tears. I know we’ll get through this but our hearts feel so broken right now. Thank you for letting me share about our boy. It feels comforting to know other people understand the grief.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Thank you for sharing your sweet Oliver Twist with us, Heidi and I’m so sorry for your loss. All the cats I’ve known that were ragdoll or part ragdoll were/are some of the most loving cuddle bugs and so laid back in nature! Thank you for sharing the beautiful last day you created for him – what a loving gesture! My cat, Venti-Latte, also had heart failure and I opted also to let him go sooner than later, not wanting him to experience any blood clots and other complications that heart issues can bring. What a wonderful life you and your family gave Oliver – he came here knowing incredible love and you surrounded him with the same as he left this plane. And yes, the grief is so tricky. There are moments of numbness, crying that feels like will never stop, and gut-wrenching pain and emptiness – then moments of smiling when a cherished memory pops into your heart. The quiet of the house was really tough for me. Grief is such a process – go slow, love yourselves through it all, and put it down when it’s too painful. It will be there when you’re ready to process more. Sending lots of love and healing your way.
We are broken right now after learning the devastating news on Monday 7th April that our beloved cat Bailey was dead, having been knocked down by a car the Friday before. I had spent all weekend searching for him, desperately hoping he was trapped in someone’s shed. He would have been 2 years old next month – he was still a baby… our baby Bailey. Our daughter had found his photo online in June 2023 when he was a tiny ginger kitten and advertised as the only one left from the litter. My heart melted the moment I saw his picture and I knew immediately he had to be ours. Our daughter had been desperate for a kitten for years and he was The One. Only problem was he was in north wales and we’re in Surrey so it would be a 10 hour round trip drive to fetch him but amazingly my husband said he would do it for us! We agonised over his name all the time we were waiting to collect him and we finally agreed on Bailey the day before he came home. WOW – we LOVED HIM utterly and completely from the moment he arrived. We connected with him soul to soul. We have a dog and an older cat and Bailey brought out a whole different side to both of them – they became so playful, so alive, with him! He and our daughter were soul mates from day 1 – he was her dream companion, her ally, the love and light of her life. She is very fond of our dog and other cat but the bond and connection she had with Bailey was on a whole other level. He was her soul cat. He filled a hole in her and in me that we didn’t even know we had. He was the missing jigsaw piece in our little family. He loved snuggling with us either on the bed or on our laps and even better, he loved to lie on our chest, heartbeat to heartbeat. When he slept right there on my heart I felt such peace and love and I knew that as long as we had Bailey in our lives, I / we could get through anything. I realised early on that he was truly a special cat – he was a Healer. He had come to us to help heal our wounds. It was his face and especially his eyes that touched me the most – he would look deeply into my eyes and I knew he was seeing into my soul. It was the most incredible, wordless experience when our eyes locked. I could physically feel him reaching into my deepest wounds and soothing them with his deep, deep love. It was mind blowing. Not a week went by when I didn’t comment on what a miracle it was that we found him. He adored cuddles and he was always close by to us – he just loved our company and we loved his too. We thought we had decades ahead with him yet. He was going to journey with us through all the trials and tribulations ahead and as long as we had him we could get through anything. We were going to have so much joy watching him grow and change with every stage of his life. We were all just at the start of our journey together. And he was the soul cat that my daughter and I had waited our lifetimes to find. How can he be gone already and ripped away from us so violently? Since our devastating loss our home has been shrouded in grief. It is as if the sun has been dismantled and a light has gone out. Our daughter has barely got out of bed all week and her face is a scene of devastation and brokenness. I have barely stopped crying and the crushing pain and grief are unrelenting. The hole inside me that darling Bailey could reach into and fill with his beautiful soul is now gaping wide open again and it is swallowing me alive. I wish more than anything that I could have been writing this post 20 years from now and writing about the decades of love and life we had shared with him. It has only been 1 week since we lost him but it feels like a lifetime. We have limped through these past days like zombies. But it is only after I found this site this evening that I realised why we are so profoundly broken by his death. It isn’t just that it was so heartbreakingly premature. It is also because he was our Soul Cat. Realising this is bringing more tears pouring down my face. The enormity of our loss is even greater. I don’t know how long or if we will ever get over losing him like this and after only 20 months of loving and being loved by him. My soul is crying out for him but he is gone. I pray that we will one day be reunited with his beloved soul but meanwhile the world is no longer as we knew it when he was here with us. Thank you for giving me a space to honour our beloved Bailey here 🕯️🐾💔
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Oh my goodness, Rachel. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It just broke my heart. I’m so so sorry to hear about Bailey. One of my cats, Sam, that I only knew for such a short time was definitely one of my Soul Cats. You know from your experience that it’s not the length of time you spend together, it’s the depth of connection or rather, re-connection. I believe we’ve known our Soul Cats before and maybe that resonates for you as well. I think there are trauma aspects whenever we lose a loved one but especially when it’s sudden and so unexpected and I’m so sorry it happened this way. It may be too soon to do this, but I found creating an altar space for Cumin was so healing. I’d buy fresh flowers each week for this very special spot in the house that had her photo, a candle, her collar and favorite toy. I hope you and your daughter start to feel Bailey’s presence still with you. It’s not the same as the physical cuddles, warmth, and love from this sweet ginger boy, it’s quite different but still very real. Thinking of you all and sending you lots of love and healing! Please reach out if you need more support!
My Suki left this world the day before Valentine’s Day. We were going to put him down because he was very sick and I wanted to ease his pain. He had mega colon for about 5 years. We maintained it and tried to keep him comfortable these last 5 years. We had him since he was about 4 weeks. He lived a very spoiled 13 years. He was my best friend, as silly as that sounds. He was the only creature outside of my children who had absolutely unconditional love for me. I miss him so much. I miss his face. I miss his expressions. I miss seeing him when I come home. It’s like a chunk of my actual heart is missing. I know he’s better and happier now and not in pain…. But I am. 😭
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Kimberly, I’m so sorry to hear about your Suki! And sharing that he was your best friend is not silly at all, it’s sound and makes the most sense. I really hear you when you say that outside of your children, Suki unconditionally loved/loves you. I felt the same with Cumin, my Soul Cat. For me, that piece was so difficult because I felt like I couldn’t feel the love anymore after Cumin passed. It was like she took the love with her. But after a while, and it certainly took some time, I’d start to feel her presence again. That’s when I really began to know that love is eternal – it’s always with us. But I know everything is still fresh and you may be feeling all the raw emotions.
I shared this in another comment but feel called to share again – you know when you’re crying and you can’t stop? It’s that gut wrenching crying that often leaves you with a headache? When I’d cry in this way, something would suddenly happen where I’d just stop – an abrupt stop. It’s like one minute, you think you’ll never stop crying and then suddenly you stop. I don’t know if you can relate to this but an animal communicator once shared that it’s the presence of our beloveds that makes us stop. It means they are near and wanting to comfort us. I know not much can provide any comfort right now, but I hope you keep this with you and remember it the next time you’re crying and think it will never end. Sending lots of love and healing to you, Kimberly.
Remy
October 2012 to Feb 10, 2025.
I can’t talk about it yet, but I am deeply grieving. I feel like a piece of me is gone
Cancer…tumor in throat/nasal/eye. Thought it was a URI until the antibiotics did absolutely nothing to make it better. We helped him cross with the vets help.
I’m not ok. My soul hurts so deeply try a pain I cannot describe. I know our bond is still there and will never be severed but to not have him physically here…goodness I don’t know how to do this.
Rest easy, Remmers, with no more pain and suffering. I love you so much my sweet boy.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Lindsay, I’m so sorry to hear about Remy and I’m glad you found us here. Things are not okay and I know you’re not okay, nor should they be – not when you lose your Soul Cat. Grief is such a tumultuous storm of a process, even the moments of complete stillness and silence are painful and deafening. Not having Cumin, my Soul Cat, physically here was the most difficult part for me and like you, I knew our bond was there but it didn’t make it easier to learn a new way of having her in my life, sensing her, and all of it. I know this is all so recent but reach out if you need more support, when you’re ready. We’ll be here.
Hi everyone!
I want to tell you about my soulcat Garfield.
He passed away last Friday, on Valentine’s day:(.
We shared nearly 15 amazing years together!
He was so special, so full of love and gratitude, he was always by our side, walking and staying always behind me, we really could feel each other.
He had diabetis for many years and needed Insulin seringues 2x per day.
We planned our lives arpund him, to be there at home always for him to give him his medications, he asked us and called everytime that he needs his medications and he loved lying in the sun.
Everyday he greeted us and gave us so much love, he didn’t scratch or bite, he was really like a baby and so attached to me, as I got him, he was the One, I immediately felt it and he was also the one who helped us and we are so grateful for every moment and I am sure i will always feel him and his love.
Now the hardest part:(
The sugar levels were very difficult to stabilize, so a few weeks again the vet wanted to try a new insuline.
From then he lost a lot of weight and the blood sugar levels didnt improve. I was in permanent contact with her and she said maybe the insuline isnt high dosage enough.
But she said its better if the levels are too high then hypoglycemia.
So I dont know if its because of that, she denied it.
On Thursday 13.2.25 when i woke up i didnt recognize him he was so weak, but took his energy to move towards me and he didnt eat or drink, so i immediately drove to the vet.
They gave him food woth seringues to try that he recovers and gave medications etc.
But as he lost so much weight his heart was pulsing too fast..
Friday.14.2, they called at 10 am to say he seems to get better, but needs more hospitalisation, I could come around 4pm.
I was hoping but deep inside i had a bad feeling like the weeks before.. I was happy to visit him then.
But…
at 12 am they called to tell me he is getting really bad and he might pass away…
I was crying directly, tears came and i drove quickly, but i wanted to pick my husband up, because he is his father…
I tought it would be enough time, it was a matter with minutes..
Arrived in 30 minutes, the vet said he passed away…
I am so destroyed, because i couldnt hold him in my arms to reassure him and tell him everything is gonna be alright:(.
Im feeling so guilty, because I wasnt there, im asking myself all the time shouldnt inpick my husband up, should i drive there earlier before the bad phone call etc:(((
We couldnt be there for his last breath that eats me up, i dont know how to handle this toughts and guilt…
But we took his body home to bring him home and buried him in the garden of my parents. I feel so so sorry and i hope he is not lost now:(.
and i hope he felt our presence when we were there because it was only a matter of minutes…
He fell asleep and i couldn’t say goodbye and reassure him:(
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Oh my goodness, Jasmine – what an incredible love you shared with Garfield! Was he a tabby? Our relationship with our soulcats is unlike any other and truly transcends time and space. I’m so so sorry to hear that you and your husband weren’t there for his last breath. I missed the passing of one of my beloved cats, Maslow, a pure white, blue eyed medium long haired cat. He died amidst a flurry of being prepped for an animal ambulance to take him from the vet clinic to a specialized hospital. I felt so many of the same feelings you have especially the guilt and continued thinking of “if I only did this…then…” It’s so hard, Jasmine.
I truly and deeply believe that love is eternal and that love lives on. And I firmly believe that our soulcats are still with us in spirit. It is NOT the same as being able to hold them, snuggle in their warmth, see their sweet faces and it takes getting used to. But this does mean that Garfield is with you always, wherever you are. I know he just passed away and everything is still so raw. When you’re ready, some things that might help move the energy as you continue to grieve – you could create an altar space in your home/bedroom with a framed photo, a favorite toy of his, his collar and maybe refresh the space with cut flowers each week. You might also place a few plants in beautiful pots near the area you buried him and when the altar flowers start to wilt, you can bring the flower petals and sprinkle them where he’s buried. When Cumin, my soulcat passed, I had stickers made with her picture, 3 different ones, and I’d put them everywhere – on a card I was mailing, something I was shipping to a friend. I also had a coffee mug made with her photo and used it every single day. These physical things and rituals just helped to bridge the gap of not having her physically here with me, but still here in spirit. We’re thinking of you and sending you a ton of love!
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