The Pain of Losing Your Soul Cat: Changing Emotions, Lasting Love
Last Wednesday was Cumin’s transition anniversary. July 13, 2016 was the day she got her wings. I remember the day so vividly and what sticks out in my mind was having to go to work that day.
Guilt
I still feel pangs of guilt and regret around that because I should’ve just been home, with her, soaking up and memorizing our last physical moments together.
I remember getting ready, driving to the office and leading a meeting.
Everyone knew what was going on with Cumin, her squamous cell carcinoma, the feedings every 3 hours and subcutaneous fluids twice a day.
But no one knew today was the day and when I was asked, “How’s Cumin doing?” I felt the jabbing pains in my gut and the struggle between keeping the brave face, “She’s hanging in there!” and “I’m saying goodbye to her today.” I even had deep grooves in my inner lower lip from biting to keep the tears at bay.
Today was the day and it was the second time I had rescheduled the in-home transition assistance.
I should’ve been home with her.
Feelings Never Leave, They Just Change
It’s been 6 years and still all the feelings can well up.
I will say most days I feel her lightness and joy as her photos and artwork of her from friends are all over my office.
I also feel when she’s talking to me. I know when the messages are from her.
But the feelings!
All. The. Feelings.
To feel or not to feel, right?!
Always better to feel. I know that but I don’t always do it.
Trauma and Somatic Practices
Through all the work healing my childhood trauma, I have learned through various somatic practices that when you stop and actually allow yourself to feel the emotion, to identify where it lives in your body, give it a color/shape/texture then breathe through it and stay with it….it dissipates and goes away.
The emotion goes away.
I have to admit that sometimes I don’t want it to go away.
The pain makes me know I’m alive, the pain is the evidence of how deep the love was/is, the pain promises I will always remember.
So I wrestle with this at times.
The Love Never Leaves You
But what I’m so grateful for, after all these years, is being struck by how much love I still feel for her, for us together, for our 19+ years.
Stephanie Rogers (Grief Counselor and Animal Companion Loss Support Specialist) says the love doesn’t go away.
It really doesn’t and in so many ways it’s more accessible because you can feel it everywhere: swirling around you, in a thought that pops in your head during the day, when the wind blows and kisses your cheek, in the warmth that fills your heart.
Love is Beyond Emotion
Love, unlike emotions, will never go away. And that’s because love is beyond emotion.
Karla McLaren, author of The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings are Trying to Tell You, writes beautifully about love:
“Real love is a prayer and a deathless promise: an unwavering dedication to the soul of your loved one. Emotions and desires can come and go as they please, and circumstances can change in startling ways, but real love never wavers. Real love endures all emotions – and it survives trauma, betrayal, divorce, and even death.
The truth about love is this: Love is everywhere. Love is constant; it’s not an emotion.”
You Don’t Always Need To Be Brave
So put away your brave face.
Feel the heat rise from your heart all the way up to your face.
Let the warmth of your tears fill your eyes, let them overflow and spill down your cheeks.
It’s okay.
It really is because Love lives on….and You Are Loved.
* Cumin is the inspiration for Love and Above Cat Club; read more about that here.
* I formulated the HEART-HEAL flower essence and aromatherapy blends to support healing from loss, grief, and heartbreak; you can see HEART-HEAL here.
💌Love Note: We'd be honored if you would share the names of your Angel Animals in the comments. It will help others who read it know they're not alone.
We said goodbye to my soul cat, Fudge, after a year of battling with nasal cancer. We found out in Jan ‘24 and gave radiotherapy a chance after being told 50% of cats could live another year. He was cancer-free for the Summer and back to his normal self. Then in November, he started sneezing again and it was confirmed the cancer was back. He was such a fighter- we still managed to have one last Christmas with him, and see him into 2025. On Sunday he looked at us with sadness in his eyes and was telling us he was tired and ready to sleep. I feel so broken. We rescued him and his best friend from a shelter after losing our first fur baby suddenly in 2017. We went back to the shelter we had rescued her from to donate food/treats and once there, was greeted by this fluffy, brown, very vocal handsome boy. Then his companion, Patch ran up to us and I sat on the floor with them having the best cuddles; it just felt right. 2 weeks later I came home and there were two sets of food mats and bowls downstairs. My mum and step-dad had decided to rescue them to help our grieving hearts from the death of our first cat. There was an immediate unspoken bond between Fudge and I. We connected so easily, and provided each other with so much comfort. He was such a needy boy, always wanting cuddles, and if he couldn’t find you, he would meow until you let him know where you were. You could even meow back and it was like he was talking to you. He was so gentle, he never swiped you, and I never heard him hiss in the 7 amazing years we got to share. He never got his claws out or bit you. He was a teddy bear- and it was like we found each other when we both needed each other most. The whole reason he was in the shelter was because their previous owner had passed away. It was like we were both mourning, and helped each other fill this void. My heart literally aches to think he isn’t on this Earth anymore- and feels different to anything I’ve experienced before. I constantly question whether we did it too early but looking back on his life in pictures, you could tell he was finding it harder and harder to push through. At the moment, I feel a kind of numbness- like I have no tears left to cry. I feel lost and empty without him but reading this makes me less alone.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Hi Shona, thank you for sharing with all of us. I’m so sorry to hear about Fudge but wow, what a battle – and I’m glad you and your family got more time with him and he with all of you. Fudge really does sound like just a cuddle-love bug! I know the doubt we can be left holding after they’re physically gone. Sometimes we wonder if we did it too soon like you mentioned and then other times, we wonder if we didn’t do it soon enough. I look back at some of Cumin’s photos and wonder if I waited too long. But here’s what I always come back to – Fudge, Cumin, they’re our soul cats and we Know our soul cats just as they know us and they both communicated to us when they were “ready.” Just know you’re definitely not alone and you sharing your story with us will help others too. I’m so glad you found us here! I hope as you continue to heal, that Fudge visits you in your dreams. Take care now and reach out if you need anything!
I lost my soul cat December 22, 2024. I buried him on Christmas. His name was Bunny and he was absolutely everything to me… I got him after being assaulted at 19 years old, and i didn’t tell anyone about what happened for months. I got him a few days after it happened. He was my angel. I’ll always remember walking into the house i picked him up, 6 white kittens that were all identical. He was the fattest and the loudest, and i knew he was mine. He purred on my lap the whole way home and i felt okay for the first time in days. We spent the last 9 years together. Moved out of my family’s home, 4 apartments, 2 devastating relationships, he was always there. I had a lot of pets growing up and had lost a few to unfortunate circumstances. Every loss was hard, but Bunny was my special. It’s like he was sent to save me, and he did multiple times. I still struggle with PTSD, panic attacks and anxiety. If i ever started crying or breathing erratically he would pace frantically around me, purring and rubbing my hands with his face and sitting on me until i calmed down. So many times i cried into him and just said “thank you, thank you, thank you”. I lived alone through most of my adulthood and through all of the hardest moments of my life he was there. He was the smartest animal i’ve ever come across, he was emotionally SO in tune with me. I always told everyone “i think there’s a person in there”…He saved me so many times. He was my angel and i thanked God for him in all of my darkest moments. He slept on or beside me every single night for 9 years. He was my shadow. I recently moved and my roommate accidentally let him outside… it was freezing and we couldn’t find him. The next morning i found him in the garage and he couldn’t move but meowing in pain. Ears and nose pale and cold. I picked him up and and rushed him to the emergency vet with my car on the highest heat trying to warm him up in the passenger seat. I kept my hand on him and tried to get there as fast as i could, i became hysterical and he forced himself up and pushed himself into my lap and started purring and circling, still trying to calm me down… we got there within 10 minutes. He had hypothermia and was critical… and still he was trying to comfort me. I heard him crying as they took him away and told me there was nothing they could do, they said he was in a lot of pain and were worried he could go into cardiac arrest at any minute. I had no time to think or process, all i knew is that the one constant i had in my life, my best friend and emotional support animal, my soul baby, wasn’t going to make it. They brought him in and the second i put my arms around him he stopped crying and started purring again. I’ll never forget that. He knew i was there and that he was safe. He had been there for me through every dark moment since i was a teenager, so i tried my best to stop crying and talk to him calmly while they sedated him. I put him on my lap and he pressed his head into my hand and purred until he passed and went limp in my arms. I’m crushed beyond belief and i know i’ll never be able to replace him or the love we shared. He was soooo smart and so very special. I like to think that maybe somebody in heaven needed him just as badly as i did when we first crossed paths. I feel so very lucky for our time together, how much we loved eachother and how connected we were, how we grew together and all the happy moments we shared. But our time was cut so very short and i’m crushed. It’s over two weeks later and i had to endure my first birthday without my best friend for the first time in almost a decade. I miss him so much. I love him so so so much, and i wish he knew how sorry i was that i couldn’t save him how he saved me so many times before. I sit and cry with his photo on my chest almost every night and pray that wherever he is he feels how much i love him. The grief is unlike anything i’ve experienced before, and i empathize with everyone who has lost a soul animal like i have. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s just a pet… they are family and sometimes they take a piece of our hearts with them.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Oh my goodness Jenna. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. I’m so incredibly sorry for the assault you experienced and also for what happened with Bunny. No matter how we lose the physical presence of our soul pets, it’s traumatic, but I think there’s another layer of trauma when it’s so unexpected. For this reason, we all really need to train ourselves to treat each day like it is our last day here. I had a similar experience of the purring with my other soul cat, Sam and you’re right, I feel like they knew we were right there and they knew they were safe. Your experience of Bunny still wanting to take care of you shows how much our animals are our guardians. They say we’re their guardians but for so many reasons, I think it’s the other way around.
Also, I find comfort believing that we will see our soul pets again. Sometimes I think that they’re soul pets because we’ve known them before in some way and in other ways, I think the connection never dies and it follows us from lifetime to lifetime.
I wish you so much healing, in all ways, Jenna. And I hope you start to feel Bunny’s presence still with you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need extra support!
My soul cat’s name was Sushi and he passed about a month ago so I’m still trying to figure out how to live without him. I adopted him as an older cat from the shelter and I wasn’t even looking for a cat, but as soon as I saw his photo I knew we were supposed to be together.
I only had three years with him but those years were the best I’ve ever had. I have pretty bad anxiety and he would put his paw on my cheek and press his forehead into mine when I was feeling anxious. He never left my side and when I got home he would sprint to me.
Towards the end he stopped eating and drinking despite the vets best efforts. I knew it was time on the last night as I watched him walk to his brother and cuddle him (they basically just tolerated each other). I knew he was staying for me so when we went to bed I held him and told him if he needed to go it was okay. I said I didn’t want him to go but I understood. Sometime in the early morning he laid on my chest and I held him there until his last breath. I didn’t take him to the vet to be euthanized because he was terrified of the car and always had a panic attack when we went somewhere. I didn’t want that to be his last memory and the vet okayed it. I don’t normally share that because I know that people think I should have taken him anyway but I couldn’t do that to him.
I still have days that crush me and I cry all day. I still think I feel him coming to cuddle at night. I don’t think these things will go away and I know he will be in my heart forever. He’s the best decision I’ve ever made.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Hi Monica, thank you for sharing Sushi with us. Three years isnʻt enough but weʻre so lucky to get the time we do. I had a cat named, Sam, who was also a soul cat. I knew him for such a short time before he passed but the relationship was deep. Sometimes I think these relationships are ones where weʻve known each other before, other lifetimes. Your decision to allow Sushi to transition at home is one I made with Cumin as well. I was able to have a vet come to the house but I knew once she was diagnosed that her last moments would not be a scary car ride or on a cold stainless steel table in a vet office. I teared up when you shared how Sushi passed – heart to heart – his heart on yours, forever and in all ways. Sending you so much love, Monica. Donʻt hesitate to reach out if you need extra support!
Maximus transitioned May 7, 2019 at the age of 18. He had Kidney disease and Diabetes. I had convinced myself for months that just because he was still eating he was fine. But photos of him near the end, in hindsight, I had kept him around for me. That guilt is terrible. In the end, one day he looked at me in a way that just spoke to me. That day, I made the appointment and told him what was going to happen, and he looked relieved and calm. Our final weekend together was super special and we spent the time doing everything he loved doing. The day he got his wings was the worst day of my life.
He still visits me when I’m sleeping and I wake up feeling such warmth and love, then break down and cry. My therapist told me that my grief is love that has nowhere to go. It has helped me connect with my feelings and know that even though he’s in my thoughts every day, and I miss him so terribly, my connection to him isn’t gone. It’s just changed.
I truly believe he was my soul cat. Our bond was so intertwined. It was never just Max. It was Max and Mommy. We were never apart. And I have to believe, we still aren’t.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Thank you for sharing yours and Max’s story. I personally relate to so much it and when I look back to a few of the last month photos of my Cumin, I, too, feel like I held on a bit too long. I had changed her appointment to help her transition several times before we actually went through with it. I love what your therapist shared with you – “Grief is love that has nowhere to go.” That’s beautiful! Jennifer, often, when our new friends comment on this blog, I’m feeling into the words and energy to provide support. I want to thank you for your comment because I feel like, on this very day, in this very moment, it’s providing a lot of support to me and to others in our community as well! THANK YOU! We’re all in this together and never alone on the Journey. Sending much love to you and Angel Max!
I lost my Luna on 17 September 2024, it was a Wednesday. She was my soul cat, my best friend, my little sister, my baby, my everything. She was a gift to me when i was 8, she only spend 7 years here with me, but it was the best of my life. Earlier this year, we moved, i went to a new school and everything was horrible. No one wanted anything to do with me, i was constantly teased for being the ‘weird kid’ and no matter how hard i tried nobody wanted to be my friend. After all that i’l come home to a toxic household where things were never that great, but it was okay because together me and Luna fought through it. Now that she’s gone i don’t know what to do, or who to talk to, i have nobody now.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Hi Carla, I’m so sorry to hear about your soul cat, Luna and about how much you’ve been going through! Moving on its own is stressful enough but then going to a new school too? It’s A LOT! And now without Luna physically there with you, I can imagine you must feel so lost and alone. Some of that is grief and grief is a part of us all because grief is the other side of love – when you love, grief is inevitable and you and Luna loved each other so deeply. So the pain of losing Luna will always be there but it will shift, eventually like a scar but a scar of how much you loved.
But there’s also another part to all of this and it may feel more difficult to access – it’s about Luna’s love continuing on. It’s timely that we’re communicating on the tail of Halloween where they say the veils between worlds are thin – so we may be able to feel our ancestors or those who have passed more viscerally. I’m wondering if you were sensing Luna more than usual? Because here’s the Truth – everything is energy, we are energy, and energy never dies, it only transforms/transmutes. So Luna, like my Cumin, is still there with you, Cumin is still here with me. It doesn’t feel as nurturing or gratifying because we can’t nuzzle in their fur, feel their warmth and cuddle up but they are here with us. If and when the time feels right, start tuning into this, sensing Luna around; talk to her out loud or in your mind. I used to do this every night before going to bed. You’ll be learning a whole new way to relate and communicate. But just know, she’s still here. And you may even find that Luna will send another cat to you to love!
I’m so grateful that you found us and our growing community! Not everyone understands the deep love of a soul cat and that indelible bond! So please know that you’re in good company here. Also, I want to acknowledge how courageous you are in sharing with us. Thank you so much for sharing some of your story and some of Luna’s. Other people will read what you shared and by being vulnerable and keeping your heart open (despite all that’s going on) you’re helping others to feel less alone too. Feel free to follow us on Instagram for more consistent connection until we have our new community platform available. @loveandabovecatclub I hope this helps a bit. Sending so much love to you!
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