The Pain of Losing Your Soul Cat: Changing Emotions, Lasting Love

i lost my soul kitty, ren 6.19.24, and it still kills me. i got her in 2022 when i was a addict, i remember when i got her exactly a week before, i had overdosed. i have no one, i felt unloved and uncared for, i just felt alone and wanted to rest already. when ren came into my life, she instantly was sweet, i remember that night she had climbed on top of me and just slept, since im not used to affection very much or attention, i would push her away, eventually she got my heart. she would sleep on top of me EVERY night, knew when i would wake up and would snug up by my neck, she was the sweetest ever, i stopped doing all the drugs, due to her taking all my attention. i finally felt like i was worth something and someone cared about me. ever since she’s passed i’ve been mad at the world, i don’t blame her for leaving, this world is horrible. i just miss her and would trade anything in the world for her. the only times i see her now are in my dreams, funny thing is i know for a fact she was my soul cat. she was sick, i was sick, we saved eachother. this year a few months before she passed i realized her name was in my name (mine being lauren) and that was not planned at all. i miss her more then anything, and i have no one now, no one will care about me more then she did.
———
Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Lyn/Lauren, your story just broke my heart. I’m so sorry that Ren passed away a few months ago. No one ever has enough time with their cats, most especially, their soul cats – (and it’s not a coincidence that Ren’s name is in your name! I love that so much) but 2 years feels so unfair and cruel. I know there’s so much more to life than what we see and experience here however, you two deserved more time together, in the physical. I’m so glad you remember your dreams and that Ren has visited.

Although I’ve not experienced addiction in the way that you have, I’m wondering if we share a trauma history? I experienced a lot of trauma on many levels from the time I was 2 years old. I share that only because I know what it’s like to shut your heart down, protect yourself, numb and not want to be here in this world, feel alone and unloved. And what’s saved me time after time are cats. They weren’t all soul cats but what I know is that cats have kept my heart open. Even now, when I feel I’m shutting down, closing in, they continue to save me.

All of that may sound silly to most people but that’s why I created this space here. There is a love that is beyond our understanding, that breaks us open and heals. It’s real. And I’m so grateful you experienced this with Ren! THANK YOU for sharing your story. I know it will help so many others. You matter and you are so loved.

I laid my Skittles to rest yesterday. He had been with me for 19 years. I remember the day I adopted him. I almost walked past his kennel up at the top. He was curled up in a ball when his fluffy tail caught my eye. He was 6 months old. From the moment we met it was instant. He would lick my nose and make biscuits on my neck. He never left my side and his companionship helped me through some very dark and lonely days. He too was in kidney failure. I spent the entire day lying with him on the shower floor because that’s where he wanted to be. The vet came to the house and we said goodbye. I wasn’t ready. I would never be ready and like many others, everywhere I look I see him or am reminded of a memory. I can’t even go to the bathroom because he would be there asking to be on my lap. He slept on my face most nights and since he was a Norwegian I had to make little holes in fur to breath. He let me spoon him at night. I recently adopted another Norwegian kitten thinking it would help ease my pain, but she will never be him. She needs me and I will love and care for her but she is not my soul cat. My grief is profound and I pray for the day I can remember without pain. Blessings to you all.
———
Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Iʻm so so sorry to hear about Skittles, Jen. 19 years is not enough. No time is enough, especially with our Soul Cat. And youʻre right, weʻre also never ready to let them go. I can feel your pain and I will share from my own experience that the pain will dull. It wonʻt be as sharp or biting. Itʻs been 8 years since my Cumin passed and still, the pain is there. At this point, I donʻt expect it to go away. Itʻs just a part of me that reminds me of how much I loved. However, please know that the pain will become less debilitating.

And yes, your sweet kitten needs you! Whatʻs her name? Two months after Cumin passed I had an opportunity to foster kittens. I did and ended up keeping the last one that didnʻt get adopted. I thought it was too soon but I just couldnʻt let him go back to the shelter. I was surprised at how disconnected I felt. But hereʻs the thing, itʻs okay! Love comes in all depths and colors, but itʻs still love. And your experience with your kitten also very much highlights just how unique and special your relationship with Skittles was/is.

Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. Itʻs through all our shared stories that we heal in the most profound ways.

I lost my soul kitty, Penelope, yesterday. She was in kidney failure and we knew that it was her time. We decided on doing everything at home as our final gift to her. She was always so frightened by the vet.
I feel like I am never going to recover from this loss. I have never experienced grief like this before. And for the I guess that I am lucky. I too went to work yesterday in the morning before making the decision. I wish we had more time.

Does the pain ever go away? I look forward to the day when I can remember her and not feel the freight train of grief slamming into me. Everything around me is a reminder of her and our time together and it’s ripping me apart.

———
Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Brittany, I’m so sorry about Penelope. The 28th was barely 3 days ago. I’m really glad you found us because our community here gets it, they understand. We’re in the process of figuring out a way to come together for even further healing, but for now, I’m glad you’re here. First of all, I love that you gave her the gift of transitioning without the added fear of being taken to the vet. Cumin was also so terrified of going to the vet and I opted for someone to come to us. I, too, had not experienced grief like this until Cumin and even since then, I haven’t experienced this level, this depth of pain.

Here’s what I’ve come to learn since Cumin passed in 2016…grief is not meant to go away and we’re not meant to transmute this energy. Instead, overtime, I’ve become friends with grief. Grief shows me how much I’ve loved and still love. You cannot love without it. Does the pain go away? Well, I recently heard this analogy that I found helpful: grief is like a rock. You put it in your pocket, at first, it’s heavy and sharp around some of its edges. But as time goes on, the sharp edges become rounded and smooth, you get used to the weight and now it feels somewhat lighter…but the rock is still there and will always be there, in your pocket. My grief for Cumin is lighter but there are still days when I can tap into the intensity again.

What really helped me in the weeks and months after her passing was focusing on memorial projects. I had stickers made, I had a memorial/celebration of life card made of her and I sent it to everyone that knew her, I put up pictures and made an altar and put her ashes on top with her favorite toys, I had mugs made and all of this was to have her image around me… in a sticker I added to something I was mailing, to the mug I drank my morning coffee from, to the altar and candle I gazed at during meditation. I made sure her image was EVERYWHERE. In some small way, this kept her alive.

I hope some of this was helpful, Brittany. Don’t hesitate to reach out directly if you need more support. Sending you a ton of love!

My soul cat, Clyde MacFluff died this past weekend, and I don’t understand why.
I thought he had gone missing over the weekend
I was under the impression I had let him outside to roam the property as usual, and something had happened, since there was no sign of him. He always lurked close to home and came running when I called. Not this time around. I spent all weekend sleeping in my living room, waiting for the sound of him meowing at the door. I posted a notification on Facebook after 24hrs, and created a missing poster which I was going to hang around town. Monday morning rolls in, and I discovered Clyde lying dead in my bedroom, stretched out on the floor, partially covered by a blanket. He wasn’t supposed to go like this. We should have had many more wonderful years together. Instead, he passed away alone, down the hall from where I was waiting for him, not realizing where he was.
I feel like I failed my sweet boy somehow, and it’s tearing me apart.
———
Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Hi Sara, I’m so sorry to hear about Clyde MacFluff! It’s traumatic when we experience loss of any kind, but especially when it can’t be explained and you’re here without a way to find answers for closure and healing. And yes, you and Clyde should’ve had more years together, exploring, loving each other and just living life together. I’ve had one cat pass suddenly. But I was able to learn later through his vet that he might’ve had an enlarged heart. It was still so difficult and painful. I, too, felt like I failed him and didn’t get him the meds and care he needed for his condition. But what I’ve come to know, Sara, is that we didn’t fail them. You didn’t fail Clyde. You loved him in the biggest and best way possible. If you knew he was sick, you would’ve gotten him care. The part of your sharing that really stood out was how Clyde himself went back to your room and even put himself under a blanket to leave this earth plane. You didn’t have to wonder where he was, he didn’t pass somewhere outside underneath a bush or tree. He passed where he was most loved…in his home. This may not provide much comfort right now, but please know you’re not alone. Feel free to reach out directly if you’d like more support. I know how hard it is. Sending you so much love, Sara and love to Clyde too!