The Pain of Losing Your Soul Cat: Changing Emotions, Lasting Love
Last Wednesday was Cumin’s transition anniversary. July 13, 2016 was the day she got her wings. I remember the day so vividly and what sticks out in my mind was having to go to work that day.
Guilt
I still feel pangs of guilt and regret around that because I should’ve just been home, with her, soaking up and memorizing our last physical moments together.
I remember getting ready, driving to the office and leading a meeting.
Everyone knew what was going on with Cumin, her squamous cell carcinoma, the feedings every 3 hours and subcutaneous fluids twice a day.
But no one knew today was the day and when I was asked, “How’s Cumin doing?” I felt the jabbing pains in my gut and the struggle between keeping the brave face, “She’s hanging in there!” and “I’m saying goodbye to her today.” I even had deep grooves in my inner lower lip from biting to keep the tears at bay.
Today was the day and it was the second time I had rescheduled the in-home transition assistance.
I should’ve been home with her.
Feelings Never Leave, They Just Change
It’s been 6 years and still all the feelings can well up.
I will say most days I feel her lightness and joy as her photos and artwork of her from friends are all over my office.
I also feel when she’s talking to me. I know when the messages are from her.
But the feelings!
All. The. Feelings.
To feel or not to feel, right?!
Always better to feel. I know that but I don’t always do it.
Trauma and Somatic Practices
Through all the work healing my childhood trauma, I have learned through various somatic practices that when you stop and actually allow yourself to feel the emotion, to identify where it lives in your body, give it a color/shape/texture then breathe through it and stay with it….it dissipates and goes away.
The emotion goes away.
I have to admit that sometimes I don’t want it to go away.
The pain makes me know I’m alive, the pain is the evidence of how deep the love was/is, the pain promises I will always remember.
So I wrestle with this at times.
The Love Never Leaves You
But what I’m so grateful for, after all these years, is being struck by how much love I still feel for her, for us together, for our 19+ years.
Stephanie Rogers (Grief Counselor and Animal Companion Loss Support Specialist) says the love doesn’t go away.
It really doesn’t and in so many ways it’s more accessible because you can feel it everywhere: swirling around you, in a thought that pops in your head during the day, when the wind blows and kisses your cheek, in the warmth that fills your heart.
Love is Beyond Emotion
Love, unlike emotions, will never go away. And that’s because love is beyond emotion.
Karla McLaren, author of The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings are Trying to Tell You, writes beautifully about love:
“Real love is a prayer and a deathless promise: an unwavering dedication to the soul of your loved one. Emotions and desires can come and go as they please, and circumstances can change in startling ways, but real love never wavers. Real love endures all emotions – and it survives trauma, betrayal, divorce, and even death.
The truth about love is this: Love is everywhere. Love is constant; it’s not an emotion.”
You Don’t Always Need To Be Brave
So put away your brave face.
Feel the heat rise from your heart all the way up to your face.
Let the warmth of your tears fill your eyes, let them overflow and spill down your cheeks.
It’s okay.
It really is because Love lives on….and You Are Loved.
* Cumin is the inspiration for Love and Above Cat Club; read more about that here.
* I formulated the HEART-HEAL flower essence and aromatherapy blends to support healing from loss, grief, and heartbreak; you can see HEART-HEAL here.
💌Love Note: We'd be honored if you would share the names of your Angel Animals in the comments. It will help others who read it know they're not alone.
I lost my Luna on 17 September 2024, it was a Wednesday. She was my soul cat, my best friend, my little sister, my baby, my everything. She was a gift to me when i was 8, she only spend 7 years here with me, but it was the best of my life. Earlier this year, we moved, i went to a new school and everything was horrible. No one wanted anything to do with me, i was constantly teased for being the ‘weird kid’ and no matter how hard i tried nobody wanted to be my friend. After all that i’l come home to a toxic household where things were never that great, but it was okay because together me and Luna fought through it. Now that she’s gone i don’t know what to do, or who to talk to, i have nobody now.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Hi Carla, I’m so sorry to hear about your soul cat, Luna and about how much you’ve been going through! Moving on its own is stressful enough but then going to a new school too? It’s A LOT! And now without Luna physically there with you, I can imagine you must feel so lost and alone. Some of that is grief and grief is a part of us all because grief is the other side of love – when you love, grief is inevitable and you and Luna loved each other so deeply. So the pain of losing Luna will always be there but it will shift, eventually like a scar but a scar of how much you loved.
But there’s also another part to all of this and it may feel more difficult to access – it’s about Luna’s love continuing on. It’s timely that we’re communicating on the tail of Halloween where they say the veils between worlds are thin – so we may be able to feel our ancestors or those who have passed more viscerally. I’m wondering if you were sensing Luna more than usual? Because here’s the Truth – everything is energy, we are energy, and energy never dies, it only transforms/transmutes. So Luna, like my Cumin, is still there with you, Cumin is still here with me. It doesn’t feel as nurturing or gratifying because we can’t nuzzle in their fur, feel their warmth and cuddle up but they are here with us. If and when the time feels right, start tuning into this, sensing Luna around; talk to her out loud or in your mind. I used to do this every night before going to bed. You’ll be learning a whole new way to relate and communicate. But just know, she’s still here. And you may even find that Luna will send another cat to you to love!
I’m so grateful that you found us and our growing community! Not everyone understands the deep love of a soul cat and that indelible bond! So please know that you’re in good company here. Also, I want to acknowledge how courageous you are in sharing with us. Thank you so much for sharing some of your story and some of Luna’s. Other people will read what you shared and by being vulnerable and keeping your heart open (despite all that’s going on) you’re helping others to feel less alone too. Feel free to follow us on Instagram for more consistent connection until we have our new community platform available. @loveandabovecatclub I hope this helps a bit. Sending so much love to you!
What a beautiful story. I lost my soul cat, gizma, today. She was only 1 year and 7 months, but our short time together was wonderful and inseparable. She unfortunately needed a surgery on her intestines at only a year old, and later over her past few days became irreversibly sick from complications of the surgery and further intestinal issues. She was an absolute sweetheart, and my shadow at home. We both revolved our daily routines around each other. I travel a lot, and she was always along for the ride including flying. I know she is my soul cat because I became sick in August, and later needed an emergency abdominal surgery in September. Gizma watched over me and was with me throughout recovery. She became sick, and was sent home from the emergency vet on hospice on the exact 6 week recovery mark after my surgery. She passed the following morning. I feel she was sick, but held on until she knew I recovered and was healing. She was ready to go the day she knew I would be ok.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Isabel, I’m so sorry about Gizma. Thank you for sharing some of her story. Whether we’ve had our cats for 19 years or 1, a soul cat is a soul cat and you just Know. I love that you experienced the unconditional love of Gizma, waiting to be sure you were going to be okay before leaving this lifetime. It’s so incredible what our soul cats do for us – holding sacred space, watching over us, knowing we love them so much that even when they’re ready to leave, they hold on for a bit to just be sure we’re going to be fine. And she did that with you. My soul cat Cumin would lay on my stomach or near my head when I had a stomachache or headache. She was just so in tune with me and it certainly sounds like that was like you and Gizma. I know it’s so hard without Gizma’s physical presence in your daily routine – she was such a big part of it! Sending lots of healing your way, Isabel. Please take care of yourself and let me know if you need any extra support.
I just lost my most sweetest boy, my soul cat, my lif saver my everything on Oct 11,2024. He got an infection in his teeth that went to his brain and ears and he started having seizures. I’ll never forget the call from the vet that morning that he didn’t make thru the night.. it still feels like I’m stuck in that moment , like my knees were taking out from under me and I can’t breath. The weight is still so heavy that at times it’s unbearable and no one seems to understand. I had my sweet Benzo for only 6 short years but that lil feller was so special only 9lbs and 6 ounces but he thought he was as a big as a lion if need be. He was so paws on and affectionate.. he would just come up out of nowhere and put his lil paw on my face and I swear he would put his arms around my neck and i coukd feel him hug me. He stayed right on my shoulder and carried me thru many dark minutes hours and days and now idk what I’m gonna do without him idk how I can go on without him being by my side I miss everything about him his presence his everything and I just want him back and my heart is literally broken. I just miss you so bad Benzo.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Oh my gosh, Melissa, I’m so sorry to hear about Benzo. Everything you shared – from the vet call to the weight of it all – I identify with and know many in our community do too. So please know you truly aren’t alone here despite feeling so isolated and misunderstood. People who have never had a soul pet just don’t get it. They think or make comments that it’s just a cat….get another one!! It’s all so painful and yet we’re the lucky ones because we had a chance to know this deep love! Your bond with Benzo will live on forever and as time passes, you’ll create a new relationship with him. But right now, I know there’s nothing that can take away the pain and the missing and the emptiness. Grief is the price of such Great Love. I’m so glad you found us here, Melissa. Please feel free to email me directly if you need extra support! Sending love!
i lost my soul kitty, ren 6.19.24, and it still kills me. i got her in 2022 when i was a addict, i remember when i got her exactly a week before, i had overdosed. i have no one, i felt unloved and uncared for, i just felt alone and wanted to rest already. when ren came into my life, she instantly was sweet, i remember that night she had climbed on top of me and just slept, since im not used to affection very much or attention, i would push her away, eventually she got my heart. she would sleep on top of me EVERY night, knew when i would wake up and would snug up by my neck, she was the sweetest ever, i stopped doing all the drugs, due to her taking all my attention. i finally felt like i was worth something and someone cared about me. ever since she’s passed i’ve been mad at the world, i don’t blame her for leaving, this world is horrible. i just miss her and would trade anything in the world for her. the only times i see her now are in my dreams, funny thing is i know for a fact she was my soul cat. she was sick, i was sick, we saved eachother. this year a few months before she passed i realized her name was in my name (mine being lauren) and that was not planned at all. i miss her more then anything, and i have no one now, no one will care about me more then she did.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Lyn/Lauren, your story just broke my heart. I’m so sorry that Ren passed away a few months ago. No one ever has enough time with their cats, most especially, their soul cats – (and it’s not a coincidence that Ren’s name is in your name! I love that so much) but 2 years feels so unfair and cruel. I know there’s so much more to life than what we see and experience here however, you two deserved more time together, in the physical. I’m so glad you remember your dreams and that Ren has visited.
Although I’ve not experienced addiction in the way that you have, I’m wondering if we share a trauma history? I experienced a lot of trauma on many levels from the time I was 2 years old. I share that only because I know what it’s like to shut your heart down, protect yourself, numb and not want to be here in this world, feel alone and unloved. And what’s saved me time after time are cats. They weren’t all soul cats but what I know is that cats have kept my heart open. Even now, when I feel I’m shutting down, closing in, they continue to save me.
All of that may sound silly to most people but that’s why I created this space here. There is a love that is beyond our understanding, that breaks us open and heals. It’s real. And I’m so grateful you experienced this with Ren! THANK YOU for sharing your story. I know it will help so many others. You matter and you are so loved.
I laid my Skittles to rest yesterday. He had been with me for 19 years. I remember the day I adopted him. I almost walked past his kennel up at the top. He was curled up in a ball when his fluffy tail caught my eye. He was 6 months old. From the moment we met it was instant. He would lick my nose and make biscuits on my neck. He never left my side and his companionship helped me through some very dark and lonely days. He too was in kidney failure. I spent the entire day lying with him on the shower floor because that’s where he wanted to be. The vet came to the house and we said goodbye. I wasn’t ready. I would never be ready and like many others, everywhere I look I see him or am reminded of a memory. I can’t even go to the bathroom because he would be there asking to be on my lap. He slept on my face most nights and since he was a Norwegian I had to make little holes in fur to breath. He let me spoon him at night. I recently adopted another Norwegian kitten thinking it would help ease my pain, but she will never be him. She needs me and I will love and care for her but she is not my soul cat. My grief is profound and I pray for the day I can remember without pain. Blessings to you all.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Iʻm so so sorry to hear about Skittles, Jen. 19 years is not enough. No time is enough, especially with our Soul Cat. And youʻre right, weʻre also never ready to let them go. I can feel your pain and I will share from my own experience that the pain will dull. It wonʻt be as sharp or biting. Itʻs been 8 years since my Cumin passed and still, the pain is there. At this point, I donʻt expect it to go away. Itʻs just a part of me that reminds me of how much I loved. However, please know that the pain will become less debilitating.
And yes, your sweet kitten needs you! Whatʻs her name? Two months after Cumin passed I had an opportunity to foster kittens. I did and ended up keeping the last one that didnʻt get adopted. I thought it was too soon but I just couldnʻt let him go back to the shelter. I was surprised at how disconnected I felt. But hereʻs the thing, itʻs okay! Love comes in all depths and colors, but itʻs still love. And your experience with your kitten also very much highlights just how unique and special your relationship with Skittles was/is.
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. Itʻs through all our shared stories that we heal in the most profound ways.
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