The Pain of Losing Your Soul Cat: Changing Emotions, Lasting Love
Last Wednesday was Cumin’s transition anniversary. July 13, 2016 was the day she got her wings. I remember the day so vividly and what sticks out in my mind was having to go to work that day.
Guilt
I still feel pangs of guilt and regret around that because I should’ve just been home, with her, soaking up and memorizing our last physical moments together.
I remember getting ready, driving to the office and leading a meeting.
Everyone knew what was going on with Cumin, her squamous cell carcinoma, the feedings every 3 hours and subcutaneous fluids twice a day.
But no one knew today was the day and when I was asked, “How’s Cumin doing?” I felt the jabbing pains in my gut and the struggle between keeping the brave face, “She’s hanging in there!” and “I’m saying goodbye to her today.” I even had deep grooves in my inner lower lip from biting to keep the tears at bay.
Today was the day and it was the second time I had rescheduled the in-home transition assistance.
I should’ve been home with her.
Feelings Never Leave, They Just Change
It’s been 6 years and still all the feelings can well up.
I will say most days I feel her lightness and joy as her photos and artwork of her from friends are all over my office.
I also feel when she’s talking to me. I know when the messages are from her.
But the feelings!
All. The. Feelings.
To feel or not to feel, right?!
Always better to feel. I know that but I don’t always do it.
Trauma and Somatic Practices
Through all the work healing my childhood trauma, I have learned through various somatic practices that when you stop and actually allow yourself to feel the emotion, to identify where it lives in your body, give it a color/shape/texture then breathe through it and stay with it….it dissipates and goes away.
The emotion goes away.
I have to admit that sometimes I don’t want it to go away.
The pain makes me know I’m alive, the pain is the evidence of how deep the love was/is, the pain promises I will always remember.
So I wrestle with this at times.
The Love Never Leaves You
But what I’m so grateful for, after all these years, is being struck by how much love I still feel for her, for us together, for our 19+ years.
Stephanie Rogers (Grief Counselor and Animal Companion Loss Support Specialist) says the love doesn’t go away.
It really doesn’t and in so many ways it’s more accessible because you can feel it everywhere: swirling around you, in a thought that pops in your head during the day, when the wind blows and kisses your cheek, in the warmth that fills your heart.
Love is Beyond Emotion
Love, unlike emotions, will never go away. And that’s because love is beyond emotion.
Karla McLaren, author of The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings are Trying to Tell You, writes beautifully about love:
“Real love is a prayer and a deathless promise: an unwavering dedication to the soul of your loved one. Emotions and desires can come and go as they please, and circumstances can change in startling ways, but real love never wavers. Real love endures all emotions – and it survives trauma, betrayal, divorce, and even death.
The truth about love is this: Love is everywhere. Love is constant; it’s not an emotion.”
You Don’t Always Need To Be Brave
So put away your brave face.
Feel the heat rise from your heart all the way up to your face.
Let the warmth of your tears fill your eyes, let them overflow and spill down your cheeks.
It’s okay.
It really is because Love lives on….and You Are Loved.
* Cumin is the inspiration for Love and Above Cat Club; read more about that here.
* I formulated the HEART-HEAL flower essence and aromatherapy blends to support healing from loss, grief, and heartbreak; you can see HEART-HEAL here.
💌Love Note: Feel free to share the names of your Angel Animals in the comments. It will help others who read it know they're not alone.
I miss My Cat Son 🐈😺 Baby Boy 🐥🍼
I know his Spirit is around and with me but I miss him being here in the physical and I miss his physical body like I miss petting him all over his body and touching his toes. I was the only who could touch him all over I would give him full body massages just to trim his nails and he loved it
I miss brushing and combing his fur/hair telling him how Beautiful and Handsome he is. I still talk to his Spirit knowing he is here with me, like he flickers the kitchen light and I feel him jumping in the bed with me his spirit I feel his weight
I had to put him to rest October 27th
Due to stage 4 Kidney Disease which popped up suddenly and was a shock to My system sometimes I am ok but I breakdown over him and cry 😭 more So then Not I miss My Son Baby Boy 🐥🍼 He was and Still is My Soul Cat 😺🐈
That’s why this is hitting me so hard it feels like someone ripped my heart out, I am Heartbroken 💔💔💔 and I know he can’t come back to life but part of me wishes he could come back to life so bad, I wish death never existed for pets, or humans because I don’t like the sadness afterwards
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Hi Hope, thank you for sharing with us and we’re so sorry to hear about your Son Baby Boy. October 27th was just a little over a month ago so everything is still so fresh and raw. Baby Boy sounds like such a Love – letting you, his Soul Person, pet him all over and even cut his nails! One of the things I missed tremendously after my Soul Cat, Cumin, passed was her warmth and her fur. At the time, I couldn’t even sense her around me and so everything just felt too quiet, cold and lonely. I’m glad you feel and know when Baby Boy is around you with the way he jumps on the bed and flickers the lights! And I know how hard it is to feel “okay” one minute and then suddenly breakdown the next minute. That’s how grief is – unpredictable. But I’m so glad you found us here and please reach out if you need a little extra support. Sending so much love to you, Hope!
Sweet girl, Peanut — I will love you until the end of time, and long after that <3
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Hi Nikki❤️🩹 We are right here with you and sending love to both you and sweet Peanut.
About four months ago, I lost my precious Juju. She was my soul cat, my starshine, my fur child, my everything. I got her from my best friend before she moved to California. I had her for 8 years. She passed 2 months short of her 9th birthday. Her death was completely unexpected and I was the one to find her. I was not home when she passed, but I hold a lot of guilt for not being with her. I hate so badly she died alone and that I didn’t not find her sooner. This loss has been profound and a pain i have never experienced before even with a history of trauma. I feel a piece of me died with her when she left. I feel so lost without her I talk to her often and know she is with me wherever I go, but this grief hits me hardest at night when I’m alone sometimes. Her pictures warm my soul and shatter my heart at the same time. I just miss my baby girl. 😭💔 Thank you for providing a space like this for people to share about their little angels and to help give a voice to the grief. 💜
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Cheryl, I’m so sorry to hear about Juju. The pain of losing our soul cats is a very different kind of pain despite even having a history of trauma, as you shared. Loss, especially when unexpected, is also traumatic and I’m so sorry. I know the warmth and shatter you feel speak of when you look at Juju’s photos. I feel that way with Cumin’s photos, but especially her videos. In fact, we created a mini course to help cat guardians navigate the journey when receiving a terminal diagnosis for their soul cat. The thing holding me back from releasing it are some video edits I need to do with my Cumin videos. Anyways, all that to say, I hear you and feel you. I’m glad you talk with Juju and know she’s with you! It’ll take some time to get used to how the relationship has shifted but know that you two will always be bonded, always and in all * ways. I’m so glad you found us, Cheryl! Please reach out anytime and know that we’re thinking of you and sending love!
We had to say goodbye to our Oliver Twist (only 9 1/2) just a couple days ago. It’s one of the hardest things we’ve been through as a family. Our Oliver represented hope during a dark time and all of us (even our kids) saved up for almost 2 years for him. He was a Ragdoll, so so beautiful, and our kids will never forget driving to pick him up and bringing him home. He brought so much life and joy into our home. He was truly a soul pet. He was diagnosed with heart failure right before Christmas 2023. It was such a shock to us. We were able to keep him as healthy as we could with an amazing home vet for the past nearly 16 months. He suddenly worsened a couple months ago and we knew this would be his year but we didn’t expect it so fast. We chose to give him a really beautiful last day instead of waiting even a few weeks so we could avoid a traumatic passing. Our big beautiful boy passed in my mom’s arms in the backyard with the sun shining down on him (he LOVED to sit in our laps outside) and birds chirping above. It still doesn’t feel real. We keep expecting to see him come around the corner to greet us when we come home. All the “firsts” are hitting so hard. So many tears. I know we’ll get through this but our hearts feel so broken right now. Thank you for letting me share about our boy. It feels comforting to know other people understand the grief.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Thank you for sharing your sweet Oliver Twist with us, Heidi and I’m so sorry for your loss. All the cats I’ve known that were ragdoll or part ragdoll were/are some of the most loving cuddle bugs and so laid back in nature! Thank you for sharing the beautiful last day you created for him – what a loving gesture! My cat, Venti-Latte, also had heart failure and I opted also to let him go sooner than later, not wanting him to experience any blood clots and other complications that heart issues can bring. What a wonderful life you and your family gave Oliver – he came here knowing incredible love and you surrounded him with the same as he left this plane. And yes, the grief is so tricky. There are moments of numbness, crying that feels like will never stop, and gut-wrenching pain and emptiness – then moments of smiling when a cherished memory pops into your heart. The quiet of the house was really tough for me. Grief is such a process – go slow, love yourselves through it all, and put it down when it’s too painful. It will be there when you’re ready to process more. Sending lots of love and healing your way.
We are broken right now after learning the devastating news on Monday 7th April that our beloved cat Bailey was dead, having been knocked down by a car the Friday before. I had spent all weekend searching for him, desperately hoping he was trapped in someone’s shed. He would have been 2 years old next month – he was still a baby… our baby Bailey. Our daughter had found his photo online in June 2023 when he was a tiny ginger kitten and advertised as the only one left from the litter. My heart melted the moment I saw his picture and I knew immediately he had to be ours. Our daughter had been desperate for a kitten for years and he was The One. Only problem was he was in north wales and we’re in Surrey so it would be a 10 hour round trip drive to fetch him but amazingly my husband said he would do it for us! We agonised over his name all the time we were waiting to collect him and we finally agreed on Bailey the day before he came home. WOW – we LOVED HIM utterly and completely from the moment he arrived. We connected with him soul to soul. We have a dog and an older cat and Bailey brought out a whole different side to both of them – they became so playful, so alive, with him! He and our daughter were soul mates from day 1 – he was her dream companion, her ally, the love and light of her life. She is very fond of our dog and other cat but the bond and connection she had with Bailey was on a whole other level. He was her soul cat. He filled a hole in her and in me that we didn’t even know we had. He was the missing jigsaw piece in our little family. He loved snuggling with us either on the bed or on our laps and even better, he loved to lie on our chest, heartbeat to heartbeat. When he slept right there on my heart I felt such peace and love and I knew that as long as we had Bailey in our lives, I / we could get through anything. I realised early on that he was truly a special cat – he was a Healer. He had come to us to help heal our wounds. It was his face and especially his eyes that touched me the most – he would look deeply into my eyes and I knew he was seeing into my soul. It was the most incredible, wordless experience when our eyes locked. I could physically feel him reaching into my deepest wounds and soothing them with his deep, deep love. It was mind blowing. Not a week went by when I didn’t comment on what a miracle it was that we found him. He adored cuddles and he was always close by to us – he just loved our company and we loved his too. We thought we had decades ahead with him yet. He was going to journey with us through all the trials and tribulations ahead and as long as we had him we could get through anything. We were going to have so much joy watching him grow and change with every stage of his life. We were all just at the start of our journey together. And he was the soul cat that my daughter and I had waited our lifetimes to find. How can he be gone already and ripped away from us so violently? Since our devastating loss our home has been shrouded in grief. It is as if the sun has been dismantled and a light has gone out. Our daughter has barely got out of bed all week and her face is a scene of devastation and brokenness. I have barely stopped crying and the crushing pain and grief are unrelenting. The hole inside me that darling Bailey could reach into and fill with his beautiful soul is now gaping wide open again and it is swallowing me alive. I wish more than anything that I could have been writing this post 20 years from now and writing about the decades of love and life we had shared with him. It has only been 1 week since we lost him but it feels like a lifetime. We have limped through these past days like zombies. But it is only after I found this site this evening that I realised why we are so profoundly broken by his death. It isn’t just that it was so heartbreakingly premature. It is also because he was our Soul Cat. Realising this is bringing more tears pouring down my face. The enormity of our loss is even greater. I don’t know how long or if we will ever get over losing him like this and after only 20 months of loving and being loved by him. My soul is crying out for him but he is gone. I pray that we will one day be reunited with his beloved soul but meanwhile the world is no longer as we knew it when he was here with us. Thank you for giving me a space to honour our beloved Bailey here 🕯️🐾💔
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Oh my goodness, Rachel. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It just broke my heart. I’m so so sorry to hear about Bailey. One of my cats, Sam, that I only knew for such a short time was definitely one of my Soul Cats. You know from your experience that it’s not the length of time you spend together, it’s the depth of connection or rather, re-connection. I believe we’ve known our Soul Cats before and maybe that resonates for you as well. I think there are trauma aspects whenever we lose a loved one but especially when it’s sudden and so unexpected and I’m so sorry it happened this way. It may be too soon to do this, but I found creating an altar space for Cumin was so healing. I’d buy fresh flowers each week for this very special spot in the house that had her photo, a candle, her collar and favorite toy. I hope you and your daughter start to feel Bailey’s presence still with you. It’s not the same as the physical cuddles, warmth, and love from this sweet ginger boy, it’s quite different but still very real. Thinking of you all and sending you lots of love and healing! Please reach out if you need more support!
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