The Pain of Losing Your Soul Cat: Changing Emotions, Lasting Love
Last Wednesday was Cumin’s transition anniversary. July 13, 2016 was the day she got her wings. I remember the day so vividly and what sticks out in my mind was having to go to work that day.
Guilt
I still feel pangs of guilt and regret around that because I should’ve just been home, with her, soaking up and memorizing our last physical moments together.
I remember getting ready, driving to the office and leading a meeting.
Everyone knew what was going on with Cumin, her squamous cell carcinoma, the feedings every 3 hours and subcutaneous fluids twice a day.
But no one knew today was the day and when I was asked, “How’s Cumin doing?” I felt the jabbing pains in my gut and the struggle between keeping the brave face, “She’s hanging in there!” and “I’m saying goodbye to her today.” I even had deep grooves in my inner lower lip from biting to keep the tears at bay.
Today was the day and it was the second time I had rescheduled the in-home transition assistance.
I should’ve been home with her.
Feelings Never Leave, They Just Change
It’s been 6 years and still all the feelings can well up.
I will say most days I feel her lightness and joy as her photos and artwork of her from friends are all over my office.
I also feel when she’s talking to me. I know when the messages are from her.
But the feelings!
All. The. Feelings.
To feel or not to feel, right?!
Always better to feel. I know that but I don’t always do it.
Trauma and Somatic Practices
Through all the work healing my childhood trauma, I have learned through various somatic practices that when you stop and actually allow yourself to feel the emotion, to identify where it lives in your body, give it a color/shape/texture then breathe through it and stay with it….it dissipates and goes away.
The emotion goes away.
I have to admit that sometimes I don’t want it to go away.
The pain makes me know I’m alive, the pain is the evidence of how deep the love was/is, the pain promises I will always remember.
So I wrestle with this at times.
The Love Never Leaves You
But what I’m so grateful for, after all these years, is being struck by how much love I still feel for her, for us together, for our 19+ years.
Stephanie Rogers (Grief Counselor and Animal Companion Loss Support Specialist) says the love doesn’t go away.
It really doesn’t and in so many ways it’s more accessible because you can feel it everywhere: swirling around you, in a thought that pops in your head during the day, when the wind blows and kisses your cheek, in the warmth that fills your heart.
Love is Beyond Emotion
Love, unlike emotions, will never go away. And that’s because love is beyond emotion.
Karla McLaren, author of The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings are Trying to Tell You, writes beautifully about love:
“Real love is a prayer and a deathless promise: an unwavering dedication to the soul of your loved one. Emotions and desires can come and go as they please, and circumstances can change in startling ways, but real love never wavers. Real love endures all emotions – and it survives trauma, betrayal, divorce, and even death.
The truth about love is this: Love is everywhere. Love is constant; it’s not an emotion.”
You Don’t Always Need To Be Brave
So put away your brave face.
Feel the heat rise from your heart all the way up to your face.
Let the warmth of your tears fill your eyes, let them overflow and spill down your cheeks.
It’s okay.
It really is because Love lives on….and You Are Loved.
* Cumin is the inspiration for Love and Above Cat Club; read more about that here.
* I formulated the HEART-HEAL flower essence and aromatherapy blends to support healing from loss, grief, and heartbreak; you can see HEART-HEAL here.
💌Love Note: Feel free to share the names of your Angel Animals in the comments. It will help others who read it know they're not alone.
Fireball. What can I say? You know you were my absolute everything.my soul cat. My baby boy. Handsome man. I wanted you forever and I need you to know that I’ll always look for you and never ever stop loving you. You saved me countless times and brought me love and happiness I haven’t known before or since. It’s been 5 years and I still cry. To me you are eternal. I miss you sooooooo much. I’m not the same person . And I’ll never love that way again but I love my cats since and helping other animals. But there is only one Fireball forever for me and I miss you terribly. Please do visit in a dream or show me signs . I do still need you ,that hasn’t changed. You were my anchor and stability. You were joyful about it . And so was I. I need to always hold you love you protect you .I’ll never really be ok until I know you’re ok because we are bonded. Thank you for being my baby boy. Susan
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Hi Susan. Thank you for sharing the incredible love you and Fireball had and continue to have…forever. When you shared that it’s been 5 years and you still cry, I could totally relate. I remember hitting 5 years and being shocked that things still felt the same – the intensity of the pain. In July, it will be 10 years since my sweet Cumin passed and although I’m learning to live with the grief, it’s still difficult. THANK YOU for expressing so beautifully and deeply, the soul bond that you and Fireball have! Sending love!
I miss My Cat Son 🐈😺 Baby Boy 🐥🍼
I know his Spirit is around and with me but I miss him being here in the physical and I miss his physical body like I miss petting him all over his body and touching his toes. I was the only who could touch him all over I would give him full body massages just to trim his nails and he loved it
I miss brushing and combing his fur/hair telling him how Beautiful and Handsome he is. I still talk to his Spirit knowing he is here with me, like he flickers the kitchen light and I feel him jumping in the bed with me his spirit I feel his weight
I had to put him to rest October 27th
Due to stage 4 Kidney Disease which popped up suddenly and was a shock to My system sometimes I am ok but I breakdown over him and cry 😭 more So then Not I miss My Son Baby Boy 🐥🍼 He was and Still is My Soul Cat 😺🐈
That’s why this is hitting me so hard it feels like someone ripped my heart out, I am Heartbroken 💔💔💔 and I know he can’t come back to life but part of me wishes he could come back to life so bad, I wish death never existed for pets, or humans because I don’t like the sadness afterwards
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Hi Hope, thank you for sharing with us and we’re so sorry to hear about your Son Baby Boy. October 27th was just a little over a month ago so everything is still so fresh and raw. Baby Boy sounds like such a Love – letting you, his Soul Person, pet him all over and even cut his nails! One of the things I missed tremendously after my Soul Cat, Cumin, passed was her warmth and her fur. At the time, I couldn’t even sense her around me and so everything just felt too quiet, cold and lonely. I’m glad you feel and know when Baby Boy is around you with the way he jumps on the bed and flickers the lights! And I know how hard it is to feel “okay” one minute and then suddenly breakdown the next minute. That’s how grief is – unpredictable. But I’m so glad you found us here and please reach out if you need a little extra support. Sending so much love to you, Hope!
Sweet girl, Peanut — I will love you until the end of time, and long after that <3
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Hi Nikki❤️🩹 We are right here with you and sending love to both you and sweet Peanut.
About four months ago, I lost my precious Juju. She was my soul cat, my starshine, my fur child, my everything. I got her from my best friend before she moved to California. I had her for 8 years. She passed 2 months short of her 9th birthday. Her death was completely unexpected and I was the one to find her. I was not home when she passed, but I hold a lot of guilt for not being with her. I hate so badly she died alone and that I didn’t not find her sooner. This loss has been profound and a pain i have never experienced before even with a history of trauma. I feel a piece of me died with her when she left. I feel so lost without her I talk to her often and know she is with me wherever I go, but this grief hits me hardest at night when I’m alone sometimes. Her pictures warm my soul and shatter my heart at the same time. I just miss my baby girl. 😭💔 Thank you for providing a space like this for people to share about their little angels and to help give a voice to the grief. 💜
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Cheryl, I’m so sorry to hear about Juju. The pain of losing our soul cats is a very different kind of pain despite even having a history of trauma, as you shared. Loss, especially when unexpected, is also traumatic and I’m so sorry. I know the warmth and shatter you feel speak of when you look at Juju’s photos. I feel that way with Cumin’s photos, but especially her videos. In fact, we created a mini course to help cat guardians navigate the journey when receiving a terminal diagnosis for their soul cat. The thing holding me back from releasing it are some video edits I need to do with my Cumin videos. Anyways, all that to say, I hear you and feel you. I’m glad you talk with Juju and know she’s with you! It’ll take some time to get used to how the relationship has shifted but know that you two will always be bonded, always and in all * ways. I’m so glad you found us, Cheryl! Please reach out anytime and know that we’re thinking of you and sending love!
We had to say goodbye to our Oliver Twist (only 9 1/2) just a couple days ago. It’s one of the hardest things we’ve been through as a family. Our Oliver represented hope during a dark time and all of us (even our kids) saved up for almost 2 years for him. He was a Ragdoll, so so beautiful, and our kids will never forget driving to pick him up and bringing him home. He brought so much life and joy into our home. He was truly a soul pet. He was diagnosed with heart failure right before Christmas 2023. It was such a shock to us. We were able to keep him as healthy as we could with an amazing home vet for the past nearly 16 months. He suddenly worsened a couple months ago and we knew this would be his year but we didn’t expect it so fast. We chose to give him a really beautiful last day instead of waiting even a few weeks so we could avoid a traumatic passing. Our big beautiful boy passed in my mom’s arms in the backyard with the sun shining down on him (he LOVED to sit in our laps outside) and birds chirping above. It still doesn’t feel real. We keep expecting to see him come around the corner to greet us when we come home. All the “firsts” are hitting so hard. So many tears. I know we’ll get through this but our hearts feel so broken right now. Thank you for letting me share about our boy. It feels comforting to know other people understand the grief.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Thank you for sharing your sweet Oliver Twist with us, Heidi and I’m so sorry for your loss. All the cats I’ve known that were ragdoll or part ragdoll were/are some of the most loving cuddle bugs and so laid back in nature! Thank you for sharing the beautiful last day you created for him – what a loving gesture! My cat, Venti-Latte, also had heart failure and I opted also to let him go sooner than later, not wanting him to experience any blood clots and other complications that heart issues can bring. What a wonderful life you and your family gave Oliver – he came here knowing incredible love and you surrounded him with the same as he left this plane. And yes, the grief is so tricky. There are moments of numbness, crying that feels like will never stop, and gut-wrenching pain and emptiness – then moments of smiling when a cherished memory pops into your heart. The quiet of the house was really tough for me. Grief is such a process – go slow, love yourselves through it all, and put it down when it’s too painful. It will be there when you’re ready to process more. Sending lots of love and healing your way.
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