Do You Take Your Cat for Granted? Bids for Connection, Loving Your Cat, and Loving Yourself

Hello, Cat Lover –

Do you take your cat for granted?

If anyone asked me this, my immediate response would be “No. No way. Nope.”

Because I love Bear, my cat, so much!!

Like SO MUCH!

And I still carry all the love of every cat I’ve ever known, met, and pet.

How could I take my cat for granted?

Well, first of all, hi, we’re human (Okay, yes, “We’re spiritual beings having a human experience” yada yada) and over time, we naturally tend to take our closest loved ones for granted.

Sometimes it’s just a phase or something we’re going through where we’re preoccupied with a worry or problem that takes most of our bandwidth. But however it happens, it’s just impossible for us to be present, appreciative, grateful, every second of every minute of Every. Single. Day. 

However, the more we practice being present with ourselves and others, the more we’ll catch when we’re taking someone for granted, and this allows us to make a shift.

I didn’t realize I had been taking Bear for granted

I didn’t realize I had been taking Bear for granted until I started working with two amazing practitioners, Pam Roussell of Purrrfectly Holistic and Julie-Anne Heart of Naturally Cats. I've known them for several years now and I resonate so much with the work they do, as Healers, Teachers and Advocates.

It wasn’t an immediate realization.

Like much healing, there were layers.

It started with Bear’s allergies, some naughty mites (I had been taking him outside for walks), toxification from an old rabies shot, etc.

I won’t go into all of the details but what’s important to know is that some of his physical issues had underlying emotional issues - and let’s remember, it’s all energy.

I noticed Bear was over-grooming but I didn’t think it was over-grooming until I saw a little pink soft bald spot on his tummy. I kept thinking the “extra” grooming was an old habit from the mite/allergy situation.

As a proud cat parent who makes every attempt to give their cat the best life possible, I was ashamed. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong?

I knew that the last two years had been extraordinarily stressful for me and I also firmly believe:

Our Energy Affects Our Cats

With the guidance from Pam and Julie-Anne, I started doing all the things to shift energy, my energy. Of course, that included mixing up my own flower essence formula for energetic support.

(You know the saying, the cobbler’s kids have no shoes. It’s so true!)

Sometimes it’s hard to do good things for yourself and it’s so much easier to do them for others.

So I decided to do these things for Bear.

I’m going to take care of myself for Bear

I allowed myself to lean into it that way.

And things started to slowly shift.

What I love is that through this whole energy reset, the main thing that came to the forefront was presence - being present with myself, with Bear.

I noticed he was happier, more content, calm, and grounded. And this made me more aware of being happier, more content, calm, and grounded myself - what a beautiful nourishing cycle!

Bids For Connection

Years ago I learned about “bids for connection” from renowned marriage therapists Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, who have been teaching couples how to have thriving relationships for decades.

The Gottmans refer to a bid as “any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.”

For humans, a bid for connection could be saying things like:

• How were the brownies?
• I’ve been working all day. I’m so exhausted!
• Look at that bird!
• I gotta tell you what happened…

Bids often mean more than the words that are said.

Like this: 

• How were the brownies? (translation: Can you show interest or excitement in my accomplishments?)
• I’ve been working all day. I’m so exhausted! (translation: Help me to de-stress?)
• Look at that bird! (translation: Pay attention to what I say?)
• I gotta tell you what happened… (translation: Come chat with me?)

The more bids for connection we answer and respond to, the happier the relationship, because we feel more connected.

Answering a bid is turning towards the other.

I realized that I had been overlooking and missing Bear’s bids for connection.

Like this:

• meowing after he just ate (More love please?)
• plopping down in front of me in the living room, stretching out and looking at me (Come relax with me?)
• going to his toy box and choosing a toy (Come play with me?)
• zooming around the house (Look at me! Look what I can do!)
• me noticing he’s looking at me (I see you. Do you see me?)

I started looking for Bear's bids for connection, beyond our normal routines.

For instance, in the mornings, our routine went like this: a hug and kiss, asking him which food he’d like for breakfast, warming it up while he gets a spritz of flower essences and brushing, then giving him a mini-taste of breakfast from a fork (like he’s at Costco trying a sample 😆 ) before plating the rest of it up for the full meal.

After all of that, I'd usually just move on - getting my coffee, going to my desk, journaling, meditation, all the things - focusing in on myself and my morning.

But once I started honoring Bear's bids for connection, whenever he came into my office during my 'Me Time,' I would pause.

And I'd do some version of this: 

Talk with him, let him in on what I’m thinking/feeling, ask him how he’s feeling, and then I’ll crouch down on the ground, sometimes even laying down for a moment while he curls up to me, or I’ll just pet him.

This only takes a few minutes, but the rewards expand throughout the rest of the day.

Now I realize the Gottmans are not cat experts (nor am I), but I thought well, they’re relationship experts.

And let's be real:

Our connection with our cats are some of the most unconditional of relationships!

As I’ve paid more attention and responded to more bids of connection from Bear, I notice that not only is he happier, but I am too!

I’m also less stressed!

Responding to the bids throughout my work day has also given me little breaks for these love connections. (I’m hearing The Love Boat 📺 TV theme song in my head now! …exciting and new… if you know, you know 😉 )

• If I'm less stressed, Bear is less stressed
• If Bear is less stressed, I’m less stressed

Same goes for love.

• If I’m feeling full of love, Bear feels this too
• If Bear is feeling full of love, I feel it too

What a beautiful love loop!

Now what about you?

What are your thoughts about your cat’s bids for connection?

How will you be responding today?

Let me know in the comments!