The Pain of Losing Your Soul Cat: Changing Emotions, Lasting Love
Last Wednesday was Cumin’s transition anniversary. July 13, 2016 was the day she got her wings. I remember the day so vividly and what sticks out in my mind was having to go to work that day.
Guilt
I still feel pangs of guilt and regret around that because I should’ve just been home, with her, soaking up and memorizing our last physical moments together.
I remember getting ready, driving to the office and leading a meeting.
Everyone knew what was going on with Cumin, her squamous cell carcinoma, the feedings every 3 hours and subcutaneous fluids twice a day.
But no one knew today was the day and when I was asked, “How’s Cumin doing?” I felt the jabbing pains in my gut and the struggle between keeping the brave face, “She’s hanging in there!” and “I’m saying goodbye to her today.” I even had deep grooves in my inner lower lip from biting to keep the tears at bay.
Today was the day and it was the second time I had rescheduled the in-home transition assistance.
I should’ve been home with her.
Feelings Never Leave, They Just Change
It’s been 6 years and still all the feelings can well up.
I will say most days I feel her lightness and joy as her photos and artwork of her from friends are all over my office.
I also feel when she’s talking to me. I know when the messages are from her.
But the feelings!
All. The. Feelings.
To feel or not to feel, right?!
Always better to feel. I know that but I don’t always do it.
Trauma and Somatic Practices
Through all the work healing my childhood trauma, I have learned through various somatic practices that when you stop and actually allow yourself to feel the emotion, to identify where it lives in your body, give it a color/shape/texture then breathe through it and stay with it….it dissipates and goes away.
The emotion goes away.
I have to admit that sometimes I don’t want it to go away.
The pain makes me know I’m alive, the pain is the evidence of how deep the love was/is, the pain promises I will always remember.
So I wrestle with this at times.
The Love Never Leaves You
But what I’m so grateful for, after all these years, is being struck by how much love I still feel for her, for us together, for our 19+ years.
Stephanie Rogers (Grief Counselor and Animal Companion Loss Support Specialist) says the love doesn’t go away.
It really doesn’t and in so many ways it’s more accessible because you can feel it everywhere: swirling around you, in a thought that pops in your head during the day, when the wind blows and kisses your cheek, in the warmth that fills your heart.
Love is Beyond Emotion
Love, unlike emotions, will never go away. And that’s because love is beyond emotion.
Karla McLaren, author of The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings are Trying to Tell You, writes beautifully about love:
“Real love is a prayer and a deathless promise: an unwavering dedication to the soul of your loved one. Emotions and desires can come and go as they please, and circumstances can change in startling ways, but real love never wavers. Real love endures all emotions – and it survives trauma, betrayal, divorce, and even death.
The truth about love is this: Love is everywhere. Love is constant; it’s not an emotion.”
You Don’t Always Need To Be Brave
So put away your brave face.
Feel the heat rise from your heart all the way up to your face.
Let the warmth of your tears fill your eyes, let them overflow and spill down your cheeks.
It’s okay.
It really is because Love lives on….and You Are Loved.
* Cumin is the inspiration for Love and Above Cat Club; read more about that here.
* I formulated the HEART-HEAL flower essence and aromatherapy blends to support healing from loss, grief, and heartbreak; you can see HEART-HEAL here.
💌Love Note: We'd be honored if you would share the names of your Angel Animals in the comments. It will help others who read it know they're not alone.
I had to let my Cowgirl cross the Rainbow Bridge July 6, 2022. I know it was time, but I’m heartbroken and devastated. She was extraordinary! On my Facebook post about her, 173 people commented. 173 people who loved seeing photos of her and watching her adventures. (Yes, she had extraordinary adventures; she was quite the character.) She was funny and loving; she trusted me. I hope she trusted me at the end.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Cowgirl! Omg, I’m so so sorry, Linda. That’s so recent. I’m not on there much, but if you’re comfortable, please find me on Facebook. I’d love to see her photos! She sounds so incredibly loved and I’m certain her trust and love for you continue on!
My angel kitty is Francesca. She crossed the Rainbow Bridge 3 years ago. She became very sick very quickly, and I know we made the right decision for her. I miss her every day. She was such a special, smart girl.
My true Soul Cat is Merlin, one of my current kitties. He is about 12 years old and has been through a lot health-wise the past few years, but seems in good spirits. When the time comes to say goodbye, I know it will be incredibly difficult. He is particularly bonded to me and vice versa, and I love him very much. He has such a calm, loving attitude despite everything he has experienced, and beyond the love I have for him, I also have a true admiration.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Hi Cecily! Nice to see you here! Hope you’re enjoying your goodies from the shop! Thank you for sharing about Francesca and your soul cat Merlin. I just smiled when I read about your true admiration for him. That is certainly beyond the love we are all so blessed to know. He sounds like an old wise soul. Please feel free to connect via email if you want to discuss any health concerns and we’ll also keep Merlin in our prayers.
My special boy was pudsey he went over the rainbow Christmas night2019 I’m so glad my family and I had the day with him and I knew something was wrong when he went around having long cuddles with each family member as if he was saying goodbye I cried all night and evertime I thought of him I’d cry even thinking about him now even though I have 2 monsters instead of him I tell them about uncle pudsey all the time. He will always be in mine and my family’s heart he was so special
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Oh Alison, I teared up reading your comment. Our animals are so wise. I love that Pudsey said his goodbyes to everyone. And it’s wonderful that you tell your new baby “monsters” 😁 about Uncle Pudsey!
Pippin was my soul cat. He was my heart. I lost him to kidney disease 2/2/18. He was 13-1/2 and I had him since he was three months old. My heart was completely broken. I lost his sister Mellifera, on 2/4/22. She was 17-1/2 (also to kidney disease) and I found my heart could break even more. I miss them so much every day. Three years ago my daughter adopted a kitten. I promised myself that I was not going to get attached to her. My daughter and her partner moved out of state seven months ago and left Anya (who is now a 20 lb cat!) with me. We felt it was better for her to not have the stress of moving and despite my promise of non-attachment, it would have devastated me to lose her. So here I am, clearly attached to another cat. But it’s worth it. Yes, I miss my babies and I cry when I talk about them. But the joy of living with them so far outweighs the sorrow of their loss that I can’t regret loving another cat. Thank you for your article and allowing me to talk about my loves.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
Robin! I totally get it! And YES, it’s soooo worth it. So much love and so much pain, they inevitably go hand in hand. I’m happy Anya is with you! After Cumin passed I couldn’t even think of getting another cat. Then Bear came along (my current cat) and I struggled with bonding with him. It felt like a betrayal. But like you, here I am, today completely and utterly bonded….all worth it. Thank you for sharing!
My Pebbles was 9 when I had to make the on the spot decision to have her put to sleep. She, too, had squamous cell carcinoma. She was/is my guardian angel. She passed 8 years ago. My love & guilt live on. I’m conforted by her visits.
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Love and Above Cat Club replied:
I’m so sorry, Jennifer! It’s another layer of trauma when we need to decide on the spot like that. Squamous cell carcinoma is ruthless. From Cumin’s diagnosis to her passing, we had 6 months. I’m so glad Pebbles visits you and that you can feel her! Such a gift.
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