Do You Take Your Cat for Granted? Bids for Connection, Loving Your Cat, and Loving Yourself

grey cat looking at the camera

Hello, Cat Lover –

Do you take your cat for granted?

If anyone asked me this, my immediate response would be “No. No way. Nope.”

Because I love Bear, my cat, so much!!

Like SO MUCH!

And I still carry all the love of every cat I’ve ever known, met, and pet.

How could I take my cat for granted?

Well, first of all, hi, we’re human (Okay, yes, “We’re spiritual beings having a human experience” yada yada) and over time, we naturally tend to take our closest loved ones for granted.

Sometimes it’s just a phase or something we’re going through where we’re preoccupied with a worry or problem that takes most of our bandwidth. But however it happens, it’s just impossible for us to be present, appreciative, grateful, every second of every minute of Every. Single. Day. 

However, the more we practice being present with ourselves and others, the more we’ll catch when we’re taking someone for granted, and this allows us to make a shift.

gray mat with cat legs sticking out from under it

I didn’t realize I had been taking Bear for granted

I didn’t realize I had been taking Bear for granted until I started working with two amazing practitioners, Pam Roussell of Purrrfectly Holistic and Julie-Anne Heart of Naturally Cats. I've known them for several years now and I resonate so much with the work they do, as Healers, Teachers and Advocates.

It wasn’t an immediate realization.

Like much healing, there were layers.

It started with Bear’s allergies, some naughty mites (I had been taking him outside for walks), toxification from an old rabies shot, etc.

I won’t go into all of the details but what’s important to know is that some of his physical issues had underlying emotional issues - and let’s remember, it’s all energy.

I noticed Bear was over-grooming but I didn’t think it was over-grooming until I saw a little pink soft bald spot on his tummy. I kept thinking the “extra” grooming was an old habit from the mite/allergy situation.

As a proud cat parent who makes every attempt to give their cat the best life possible, I was ashamed. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong?

I knew that the last two years had been extraordinarily stressful for me and I also firmly believe:

Our Energy Affects Our Cats

gray cat under a gray mat, looking out from under it

With the guidance from Pam and Julie-Anne, I started doing all the things to shift energy, my energy. Of course, that included mixing up my own flower essence formula for energetic support.

(You know the saying, the cobbler’s kids have no shoes. It’s so true!)

Sometimes it’s hard to do good things for yourself and it’s so much easier to do them for others.

So I decided to do these things for Bear.

I’m going to take care of myself for Bear

I allowed myself to lean into it that way.

And things started to slowly shift.

What I love is that through this whole energy reset, the main thing that came to the forefront was presence - being present with myself, with Bear.

I noticed he was happier, more content, calm, and grounded. And this made me more aware of being happier, more content, calm, and grounded myself - what a beautiful nourishing cycle!

gray cat lying on a puffy turquoise mat

Bids For Connection

Years ago I learned about “bids for connection” from renowned marriage therapists Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, who have been teaching couples how to have thriving relationships for decades.

The Gottmans refer to a bid as “any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.”

For humans, a bid for connection could be saying things like:

  • How were the brownies?
  • I’ve been working all day. I’m so exhausted!
  • Look at that bird!
  • I gotta tell you what happened…

Bids often mean more than the words that are said.

gray cat lying down, looking at the camera

Like this: 

  • How were the brownies? (translation: Can you show interest or excitement in my accomplishments?)
  • I’ve been working all day. I’m so exhausted! (translation: Help me to de-stress?)
  • Look at that bird! (translation: Pay attention to what I say?)
  • I gotta tell you what happened… (translation: Come chat with me?)

The more bids for connection we answer and respond to, the happier the relationship, because we feel more connected.

Answering a bid is turning towards the other.

I realized that I had been overlooking and missing Bear’s bids for connection.

cat looking up at the camera

Like this:

  • meowing after he just ate (More love please?)
  • plopping down in front of me in the living room, stretching out and looking at me (Come relax with me?)
  • going to his toy box and choosing a toy (Come play with me?)
  • zooming around the house (Look at me! Look what I can do!)
  • me noticing he’s looking at me (I see you. Do you see me?)

I started looking for Bear's bids for connection, beyond our normal routines.

For instance, in the mornings, our routine went like this: a hug and kiss, asking him which food he’d like for breakfast, warming it up while he gets a spritz of flower essences and brushing, then giving him a mini-taste of breakfast from a fork (like he’s at Costco trying a sample 😆 ) before plating the rest of it up for the full meal.

After all of that, I'd usually just move on - getting my coffee, going to my desk, journaling, meditation, all the things - focusing in on myself and my morning.

But once I started honoring Bear's bids for connection, whenever he came into my office during my 'Me Time,' I would pause.

And I'd do some version of this: 

Talk with him, let him in on what I’m thinking/feeling, ask him how he’s feeling, and then I’ll crouch down on the ground, sometimes even laying down for a moment while he curls up to me, or I’ll just pet him.

This only takes a few minutes, but the rewards expand throughout the rest of the day.

bird's eye view of gray cat lying down

Now I realize the Gottmans are not cat experts (nor am I), but I thought well, they’re relationship experts.

And let's be real:

Our connection with our cats are some of the most unconditional of relationships!

As I’ve paid more attention and responded to more bids of connection from Bear, I notice that not only is he happier, but I am too!

I’m also less stressed!

Responding to the bids throughout my work day has also given me little breaks for these love connections. (I’m hearing The Love Boat 📺 TV theme song in my head now! …exciting and new… if you know, you know 😉 )

  • If I'm less stressed, Bear is less stressed
  • If Bear is less stressed, I’m less stressed

Same goes for love.

  • If I’m feeling full of love, Bear feels this too
  • If Bear is feeling full of love, I feel it too

What a beautiful love loop!

Now what about you?

What are your thoughts about your cat’s bids for connection?

How will you be responding today?

Let me know in the comments!


5 comments


  • Julie-Anne From Naturally Cats

    Thank you SO much for sharing this. For giving your boy a voice and sharing your own experience. It’s taken me years to realise that my energy impacts my boys. And there are still days when I forgot so thank you for speaking your truth. Sometimes we need someone else to hold the mirror up for us to see ourselves 💖
    ———
    Love and Above Cat Club replied:
    Hi Julie-Anne! Thank YOU❣️That day we talked and the session you did for Bear were real turning points for me. You are such an incredibly safe space and add to that your intuition and wisdom – what a beautiful sacred space for magic to be made/invited in! Thank you for reading!


  • Janine

    When I first started reading this, I thought I was doing everything right. But apparently I am not. With everything going on lately, my stress is definitely adding to my cats as well. I need to start working on this today.
    ———
    Love and Above Cat Club replied:
    Hi Janine! Oh my goodness. I thought I was doing everything right too! 😹I know it’s easy for us to be hard on ourselves at times but I always remember what Oprah says, “when you know better, you do better.” I love that all of this just shows how much we love our cats and how much we want them to live their best lives. I think as find the balance, we’ll be living ours as well. I hope you and your Mom are doing well!
    ———
    Love and Above Cat Club replied:
    Hi Janine! Oh my goodness. I thought I was doing everything right too! 😹I know it’s easy for us to be hard on ourselves at times but I always remember what Oprah says, “when you know better, you do better.” I love that all of this just shows how much we love our cats and how much we want them to live their best lives. I think as find the balance, we’ll be living ours as well. I hope you and your Mom are doing well!


  • Sue W

    Hello! I simply adore your blog. I feel the Good energy thru your writing. My cats and dog call for “attention please, may I have your attention,” a lot. I’m busy working, cleaning, caring for them, and during the work week, i don’t have a lot of time to stop moving, just bc there is stuff to do. We do get down time in the shape of sipping coffee moments, and there are snuggles and pauses in our routine. All the animals I live with are very much in tune with our routines. They seem to thrive on it. Recently, one of my cats was ill. And she broke every routine! She needed a lot of attention. Very clingy. That’s how I knew she was sick, and we got to the Vet. She’s all better now. I agree with energy and health being connected. Is it possible to be busy, and not stressed? Hm. I have to consider this. Also, I am curious about animals, health, and connections with people in regard to energy. That is very interesting. Well, anyway, this was kind of a free write kind of response. You gave me some new things to think about, and some things I can change up a bit, pay more attention to. Thanks for writing. Hope you have a beautiful day. Much love to you!
    ———
    Love and Above Cat Club replied:
    Hi Sue! Thanks for reading and it warms my heart that you love the blog! I appreciate hearing your thoughts. And it sounds like all your animals are thriving with the sipping-coffee-moments, snuggles and pauses. I’m so glad to hear your cat is better is too! Thank you always for your support Sue! Have a great day!


  • Karen Brittain

    Thanks for sending those great thoughts. Our cats are on this journey with us to help us remember our souls’ inner wisdom. They gently guide us to connect with joy, peace and unconditional love. Sometimes, they mirror our behaviors to help us move into higher vibrational energy. My cat Ace will take his paw and touch my arm and stare at me – usually when I’m scrolling thru “crazy brain” stuff !! I stop and give him a hug. Our cats help us everyday toward being the BEST HSCP that we came here to be and sometimes they have to work really hard at it !! Thanks again for your always insightful messages .
    ☮️❤️😻. Karen, Ace, Harry and Mickey

    ———
    Love and Above Cat Club replied:
    Hi Karen! I love this!! Yes, yes and YES! Oh my goodness, sweet Ace. What a wise love bug! Give everyone a hug for me and some “eye kisses” too. My friend recently said to give Bear some eye kisses from her and I loved that!


  • Susan

    Thank you so much for this. I have been feeling so stressed and tired for so long and this teaching around bids for connection is exactly what I needed to read today. I love how you describe the link between our energy and our cats’ energy. I sat on the bus reading this on my way to work with a huge “aha” moment! I feel guilty too when I realize there are times when I have not been meeting their needs. They are my whole world, and starting today we will have a new direction. I can recognize so many bids for connection already, and now I will be responding more consistently, not just “when I have time”. Thank you again, from me and my 4 soul cats.
    ———
    Love and Above Cat Club replied:
    Hi Susan! Thanks so much for reading and also for sharing your thoughts here. It makes me so happy to know that you found this blog helpful! I almost didn’t publish it because it felt more like a free write, sharing all the thoughts coming to my mind, all at once. Oh and I totally identify with the guilt too! What really helped was paying more attention to what was happening in the space in between the moments of our routine. Let me know how it goes with you and your amazing soul cats!


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